Mother’s Day

1380644_10152932364463763_1159991318557132206_nMother’s Day. As it approaches, makes me sad and angry.  Why?  Because Momma should still be here with us.  I think of all she went through in her life.   Deep in my heart I believe that the beatings she took over those 13 years is what caused her Alzheimer’s.  Studies have shown that blows to the head can cause dementia and Alzheimer’s.  She probably took a blow to the head at least twice a week, sometimes more.

When we first got away from Bobby I think I was in denial in regards to my anger towards Momma.  I was constantly defending her and saying I didn’t blame her at all.  As I grew and had a family of my own I began to realize that I did blame her and was quite angry.  Rather than trying to talk to her about that I allowed it to put a divide between us.  It wasn’t that we quit speaking or anything, we just didn’t speak as often.

I remember the day the switch flipped and I had to put some distances between us.  I was living in Oklahoma but had gone home to Louisiana for a visit.  I was at her house and one evening we were watching television.  The movie “An Eye for An Eye” was on.  In this movie the court fails keep the rapist of the main character’s daughter in jail so she hunts him down and kills him.  During the movie Momma says “I would do the same things”.  I was in shock!  Did she not remember that I had been repeated raped under her roof?  I was pretty crushed.  I didn’t even know what to say.  I was afraid if I said anything it wouldn’t be nice and I never wanted to hurt her so I said nothing.  Now as I look back I realize I should have said something and maybe we could have talked it out.  Instead, I left the next day, as scheduled, and then just kind of distanced myself over time.

Sadly before I knew it she began slipping away from us due to her dementia and Alzheimer’s.  Oh how I would give anything to turn back the clock and spend more time with her.  Yes, she made mistakes but I do whole heartedly believe she did the best she knew how to do.

So……..this is one more thing he took from me……my relationship with my mother!  It has been years since we lost her but it hurts as much today as it did then.

 

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One thought on “Mother’s Day

  1. This so touches me in my center, itchy with pain, sadness and love all at the same time.
    My mother laughed once at a joke on one of Chevy Chase’s Vacation movies. One about the brother molesting a sister.
    It bothered me tremendously. That’s how she coped. By not coping. By denying. Otherwise how could she laugh at that since so many of her sons did the same to me? Oddly, she loved me, even as she denied but I wasn’t to totally believe that until after she died.
    One year I completely removed myself from her.
    Every Mother’s Day that I picked out a card, it was always one that was very simple and not overly sentimental or complimentary.
    I’d like to think our Mom’s know the contradictory feelings we have for them and why, even without long discussions about it. And it’s OK to pay a tribute today to her, a rose, a thought or a feeling, or just mouthing the words, ‘I love you,’ and to believe it travels to them wherever they are, and that it is OK. That they love us, and know we love them.

    Liked by 1 person

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